I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I like children - fried.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like marriage. The idea.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I never said most of the things I said.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
All men are equal before fish.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Be obscure clearly.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I rant, therefore I am.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Never fight an inanimate object.
Never floss with a stranger.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.