To Have It All
by Peggy McColl
My journey of self-discovery continued, and I was expanding my sense of myself and my own identity. In many ways, I thought that I was finally starting to feel successful and happy.
I had a growing sense of well-being and satisfaction, and I adored being a mother and taking care of my son. I was enjoying my life as a single woman and investing plenty of quality time in my relationship with my son Michel. In addition, I bought a lovely, beautifully decorated four bedroom home in a wonderful neighborhood. I was making a good living, earning more and more each year. I sensed that I was on the path to my destiny of helping others.
I was feeling optimistic about life and more secure than ever as I consciously worked on developing a sense of worthiness. I was bravely facing my difficult negative emotions, learning what I could from them and actively choosing to replace them with more positive feelings.
However, there was still something missing. As much as I was making progress, I knew that I had the power within me to create so much more.
Financial worries, and fears that I might not find love again, gnawed at me. I didn't know why I was so restless and was experiencing a sense of lack. It didn't occur to me that my emotions were causing me to feel vaguely dissatisfied because they were so subtle that I often didn't recognize them. My positive feelings were there, but it was as if many of them were barely audible and I had to strain to hear them.
I felt that if I tried harder, I could "force" success and take my life to a whole new level, but I quickly found that I wasn't getting where I wanted to go, no matter how hard I worked.Consequently, I held tightly to everything that I achieved while still being consumed by negative thoughts and feelings about what I didn't have. The success I enjoyed led me to want more - I believed that if I just made additional money, I'd be less anxious and more at peace. But the harder I worked to keep what I had and grab for more, the greater the fear I felt.
Then my income began to drop, and I frantically tried to figure out what I was doing wrong professionally. I took some necessary risks to boost business, but what I didn't realize was that by focusing on what I didn't want to experience (namely, fear, anxiety, and lack), I was holding myself back from achieving what I did want - contentment, calm, and abundance. I tried to believe the spiritual teachers and self-help experts who said that prosperity would be mine if only I'd accept it, but it felt as if I had no control over making more money. I was terrified of losing my business and my home, and I was getting sucked into a whirlpool of negativity. I questioned my self-worth and wondered how I could have the nerve to teach others about being successful. I was dangerously close to losing everything that I'd worked so hard to achieve.
Fortunately, that led me to my fourth epiphany:
"To have it all, you have to be willing to give it all up."I needed to let go of the fear that I would lose myself if I lost my "things." I realized that if I did so, I'd truly be able to stop being so afraid. But did I have the courage to surrender it all?
The truth is that I didn't necessarily have to give up everything I had (I didn't have to relinquish my house, for example), but I understood that I had to be willing to give it all up. I had to be prepared to detach from what I owned, because by being attached to situations, I was creating powerful negative feelings. I didn't have faith that no matter what happened around me - regardless of what I might lose - I had the power to control my anxiety and fear and create happiness for myself. I was afraid that if I lost what I had, my destructive emotions would take charge of my life.
I realized that there was no reason to be possessive when it came to my material wealth if I could just have faith that everything in my life could be created again, because I'd created it in the first place. If you have the power to build, you have the power to rebuild. In my head, I trusted that money is just an outward manifestation of the abundance and wealth that's experienced within, but I had to be convinced of that in my heart. I finally understood that laboring to create the things I wanted for myself wasn't nearly as effective as focusing on creating my desired emotions. I didn't have to work or think harder; I needed to forge the positive feelings that were associated with my goals.
If I wanted to be confident, I had to create the feeling of confidence, and the universe would respond by helping me succeed. If I hoped to be wealthy, I needed to create a feeling of richness and abundance, and the universe would bring me prosperity. I understood that what I co-created might not come in the form I expected. (For instance, maybe I'd draw in new clients, but it would be through an unexpected avenue - or I'd get the money I was seeking not by acquiring additional business, but through another source.) Of course, I had to work to make the most of the opportunities that the universe presented to me, but I now knew that I didn't have to continue to frantically struggle to achieve my goals. I could attract the situations that mirrored my feelings of happiness, abundance, and confidence.When I began to genuinely believe that I'm more than what I have - that I'm not defined by what I've achieved, and I don't have to point to material goods as evidence of my worthiness - my life started to change dramatically. I created the emotions that I wanted to feel, and the newfound power within me allowed me to grow and prosper as I'd never done before in my life.